I cup his face and kiss him gently on the lips and every kiss is reciprocated by another gentle one, in perfect harmony...so atuned with me it's incredible. I open my eyes to remind myself this is real, that it's happening and see the most beautiful light blue eyes into which I could spend eternity gazing. I feel a warmth in my heart and can't help but smile. He smiles and it's like an explosion of light that has such an affect on me. His lips are nearly red and contrast so amazingly to his eyes. The light blonde stubble near his mouth is so attractive I think he doesn't even realize how handsome he is. He is humble and sweet as he lays on my bed and with no egotism or cockiness for having this priveledge. Every moment is so precious-this pillow has become so sacred to me. I can still feel his arms around me, hugging me from behind and I know there's nothing more perfect. This love is so consuming in such an incredible way, I am lifted up. I wish I could suspend time, as many who are in love wish, because I know he will have to leave soon and get some sleep. He ties his shoes and I walk him to the door, as always. A kiss goodnight, or I should say kisses goodnight...because saying goodbye and being apart for even a couple hours seems unbarable. I close my door as he leaves and I stand to listen to his footsteps as he departs. I text message him...something sweet and wishing him goodnight and lay in bed anxious for his text. As I lay in bed ready for sleep I can imagine him in his room falling into a sweet, deep sleep anxious to see me again as I am to see him...loving me as I do him...our souls so wrapped up in one...waiting to reunite.

I had this really strange dream last night, the kind of dream you that you literally feel after you wake up is almost real. For some reason, this dream kept me from waking up but it was more of a nightmare. I almost felt like it was a sign or premonition, if you will.

I'm in this house filled with people I don't know. I'm on this second floor bedroom and my mom walks in the room to tell me that someone I don't want to see is downstairs. She warns me that it's my ex and immediately I feel a pain surge through me. For whatever reason, I gain the courage to go downstairs fully expecting him to be there with his new pregnant wife. I go over to him and he's alone, sitting at this cafe-like table. He looks completely different and alot older than I remember him. His eyes are baggy and he's grown a go-tee beard that looks very un-becoming. I sit down and he seems like he is so happy to see me. What really was weird was that he was smoking and I asked him when he started because that's so not like how I remembered him. He says he started yesterday, which made absolutely no sense.

Then he said he had missed me and looked at me in a way that made me feel so uncomfortable. I was digusted just looking at the person he'd become and then he put his hand out to touch mine and held it as though he had no one...that he needed me or something. I didn't like him touching me but I liked the feeling of him wanting me again. I never found out about his supposed new family...his new wife and unborn child. The dream ended with me feeling so confused...like why am I dreaming about him? And what does it mean?

It was all subconscious, obviously. Maybe it means that I finally am over him...that I am repulsed by him but in a way I still worry about him. I would prefer not to think of him at all but it seems that he just invades my mind sometimes and I can't stand it.

What do you think this means?

I'm not sure I'm fully healed after the really hard breakup I had to go through last fall. I am over him, obviously. I mean he was stupid enough to get his girlfriend pregnant, a woman he hasn't even been dating a year and already they are going to get married. I'm not bitter about that, I'm just suprised and disgusted. You think you know someone and then they prove to be completely hypocritical. We're all human-this is something I've comed to realize. Everyone has their vices and it seems we all put on acts to impress other people in some shape or form. But when you're in a relationship with someone, I think it's very important to be genuine with someone. And, equally, when you do not want to be in a relationship with someone...you should be honest with them.

Why do some people find this so difficult? Why have relationships (to some people) become a sort of fall back, or way of escaping family problems or just a means to have something until someone better comes along? What type of mentality is this?

My beef is that he could have been more honest and just told me that he was with another girl. Why did he have to lie and make it seem that he wanted me back? He intially got very protective of me when he saw guys commenting my pictures after we had broken up. So it was not okay for other guys to hit on me but perfectly fine for him to be seeing another woman without telling me? What happened to him? I think the logical conclusion is that he was a scumbag from the very beginning and I was just too blind to see it.

Now he's gone and screwed up someone else's life. That's the way I see it. I should be relieved and I am, but I still hold this indescribable feeling inside of me-that I've lost something. Not him, obviously. Maybe he took a part of me with him. I'm not sure. I'm a different person now who sees the world differently and finally has come to the conclusion that everything he said to me was complete bullshit.

What I thought was a commited, meaningful, Christian relationship was really just a joke. We were fooling each other. We had nothing in common and he was the most judgemental person I've ever met. He criticized my handwriting-something I still cringe about even today. I mean really...who does that? As if my cursive makes a world of difference. It's like he expected something of me and I just didn't meet up to the image he had of me...whatever that was.

What I've learned is that long distance relationships and "arranged" matching of two people from completely different sides of the spectrum will always end in heartache if they are forced. I feel so free now knowing that the relationship I share with Stephen is freely desired by both of us. We met by chance and somehow we have this wonderful connection-as though we've know each other our entire lives.

Dare I say I've never been in love until this moment...until he entered my life and showed me how a woman deserves to be treated. Sometimes I feel like I wasted a year of my life devoting myself to that asshole for a reason-I mean it wasn't a waste because now I have Stephen and he's everything I want and need. I honestly couldn't ask for a better boyfriend and I wasn't even looking.

And yet part of me still wants vengence for how I was treated by my ex. Why? I have no reason to even care because I am so happy. I just don't even want to put those bad memories into my head but they are still there and I can't get rid of them. Mostly, I just don't want him to be happy, which I think is a normal feeling for anyone who was put through what I went through. I know he'll get what's coming to him and I should be grateful that I have my own life right now, that I have found  myself and can be myself without fear and without someone supressing me.